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Friday, February 25th, 2005

Time:3:16 pm.
when do I panic?????????
It seems like everything in my life is going to shit.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, January 27th, 2005

Subject:fuck all of this
Time:2:56 pm.
Mood: crushed.
i hate this so much. i hate being here. i hate trying and trying and trying and having it never be good enough. im tired of constantly giving more and more and compromising more and more and having it never be enough. how am i supposed to live with someone who wont compromise??????????
i try to do what she asks and wants, but she still gets upset because im not perfect. im sorry, but i cant be perfect, but i try, and what do i get for that???????? i get yelled at, i get bossed around, i get accused of lying and im so tired of it. its like jessica cant accept one day, one second of not being perfect.
i dont leave my shit in the living room anbymore because it bugged her. i keep my recycling in a bag in my room, not in the recycling container because she complained about always having to take it out. I don't borrow her silverwear or dishes anymore because she asked me not too. I wash my dishes immediately after i use them, because she doesnt like the mess. i take out the garbage when its full, i buy toilet paper, i do everything a good suitemate should do and she YELLS at Ainhoa and I because we havent taken the recycling out from our party on friday. I'm so goddamn sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is it really that big of a deal????? I helped put it in a plastic bag, so its not like its laying around our apartment, its in a bag out on the back porch. she tells ainhoa and I to take it out today, and we say OK then she comes into our room and starts bitching about it, and im like, "well give us a chance!" and then shes like "well i dont want it blowing around!" which is logical, but SHES the one who put the bag of recycling outside, SHES the one who puts the bag or garbage out there instead of taking it out to the big bin, SHES the one who left a bag out there last quarter so long that it broke open and blew everywhere and IM the one who had to go and pick up the trash all over the yard with my bare hands and throw it away, and she has the FUCKING GALL to tell me that i dont do enough around the house???????????????? i try my fucking best and im sorry if im not fucking OCD like she is. i understand how much it bugs her and thats why i compromise so much, and its like, she wont give a FUCKING INCH. i dont know what the fuck she expects of me. im just a person who sometimes needs ONE DAY before i do my dishes or ONE DAY to take out the garbage and i guess i dont see that as anything wrong. i feel bad but i dont think i should feel bad which makes me feel worse.
it just comes down to this huge problem that ive been having in my life lately. I feel like I try so hard to do this or that, to make everyone happy all the time, to be a good roommate, a good student, a good girlfriend, a good daughter, a good suitemate and its NEVER ENOUGH. all i get for trying is to feel bad about myself
i just can NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH no matter how hard i try, and its killing me
i dont know what to do
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, December 8th, 2004

Time:11:01 pm.
so ive noticed a weird coorelation between drinking and typing skills. when im sober im a horrible typer, i cant ever do anything without typos, and i am pretty slow. when im wasted, of course i cant type worth shit. but i am pleasantly tipsy at the moment and i am typing so fast, it kicks ass!!! that the fuck is up with this, man??? hmmm, i have a final on fri, do you think its a bad idea to be drinking? oh well, i have to finish this bottle of wine before i go home for break, so im gonna party hardy and hopefully pass out soon cause i am exausted
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

Time:4:49 pm.
try it out!!! very enjoyable!!!! (thanks shawn!)

give george a brain
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Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004

Time:4:38 pm.
i want to move to canada.
who's with me?
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, October 26th, 2004

Time:11:49 pm.
why do i feel like nothing I do is ever good enough?????
im tired of feeling like shit all the time, like i just cant please anybody
how can you hurt me on purpose and not even care??????
i'm trying to lose the anger over the past in the joy of the present
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, October 25th, 2004

Time:9:10 pm.
Mood: discontent.
I am so tired and out of it today. I cannot concentrate on anything. I have a speech on wednesday that i haven't even finished writing, let alone started practicing. It's like I just stare at my computer screen. I type a bit and then my mind just totally blanks again. This quarter is totally draining me. I am not one of those people who thrives when they are busy, I shut down when I am busy. When I have a lot to do, I get severly stressed out and blow it all off and watch TV or something. Plus, I am questioning again what I am doing at WWU. It seems like everything I care about in my life is back at home, sometimes I feel like there is nothing for me here. I mean, I do love Bellingham, but I am pretty damn lonely. My only friend here, really, is my roommate and after this year she is going back to Spain so its not like I have a lifelong friend in her, no matter how close we are now. I don't know. Even all of my friends from years past at Western are pretty distant now...........
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, October 18th, 2004

Subject:what a fun weekend!
Time:11:16 pm.
Mood: happy.
On friday, we drove back to seattle (thank you again for coming to get me shawn!) and went over to andrew and alice's and then went to a toga party. it was pretty crazy! we werent wearing togas, but it was ok. the house was packed, but almost no one was dancing (damn you people, you're at a party! dance your ass off!) except for a couple really slutty drunk girls. but alice's friend tyler bought us bud and I drank TWO of them and was totally wasted. it was sooo funny. i haven't gotten drunk on that few beers in a year. shawn was nice and stayed sober, so we dropped off andrew and alice and came back to the eastside.
then i went to my brother's soccer game on sat. that was ok, it was kinda wet, but he played well and his team won so yay for them!
then saturday night was totally fun. well, after rushing around and being an hour late, but whatever. i blame my father.
we went to a dinner party at a/a's . it started off pretty classy, we sat around and drank white wine. then we opened the champagne and it started to go downhill. after dinner, we decided to start making white russians and then we just HAD to play drunken charades.
after that, we were out of kaluha, so people just started taking shots and making crappy mixed drinks. by now, we were all pretty tipsy and then we broke out the porn!! 2 women, 2 straight men and 2 gay men looking at penthouse for like an hour. it was entertaining
and THEN the party got even classier when we started playing dance music from like 2 years ago and dancing and then people started making out and i think casey was doing a strip tease and he bit my ear (it hurt!) and then everybody started making out! woohoo!
then mo threw up so casey and mo left and alice decided that i needed like 400 condoms in many colors and flavors, and then we opened the mango lube and all tasted it and decided that it didnt taste like mango, just sugary.
then at some point we went to sleep and it was a wonderfully fun night! yay! let's do it again!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, October 13th, 2004

Time:9:36 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
what's wrong with me? I want to be a teacher but I have had NO experience with kids!! My application to the college of education requires a section where you list all your experiences with "children and/or youth". now I could write about stuff I've done in the past like interacting with my brother's friends and stuff like that, but that's not what they are looking for. I have done some baby-sitting type things, but that was a really long time ago, and plus I'd need contact information, which of course I don't have. goddammit!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, October 11th, 2004

Time:11:20 pm.
Mood:sooooo tired.
its weird because i havent written in this thing for so long, and i have no idea what to say. im sure a lot of interesting things have happened to me since last time i wrote, but who knows?
well, school is going well. my classes are a little crazy, i have stuff due like every frikin day, but i am keeping up decently i think. living at birnam wood is totally cool, i love having more room, actually living in an apartment and not just a tiny room with nowhere to spread out.
my chem prof is such an annoying man. that class drives me up the wall, but dammit i have to work my ass off so i can get good grades this quarter
i have been having a great quarter so far (knock on wood)
my roommate is totally cool and, but i haven't seen some of my friends as much as i would like to
i am just generally happy, my life is going well. the week is ok, but then the weekends are great because i get to see shawn, yay! :) oh god im using smiley faces, i swore i'd never do that
ay, i am so tired man, i gotta go to bed earlier. i did ok this weekend, but on weeknights i always stay up talking online or watching tv or reading or something. its bad for me, im gonna be getting sick all the time
i'll make an effort to update more, maybe i'll have funny anecdotes or something
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, June 30th, 2004

Time:11:38 pm.
life has been so strange lately. I have had to face death for the first time in my life since I have been old enough to understand it (not that anyone truly understands death). My grandpa has been sick for a long time, so we have all been preparing for his passing. But then 2 weeks ago my brother's kitten, Bubba, was killed when he got hit by a car. It absolutley broke my heart. it was so sudden, I just couldn't deal with it. and it hurt me so much to see my brother cry and to not be able to fix it, or take his pain away. Bubba wasn't even a year old, Cedar had gotten him for his birthday last year, and he died a week before his birthday this year. It was so sad, and it still hurts to be in the condo and not see Bubba racing around, or sleeping on the floor, or playing with Dusty. I didn't know it was possible to love a pet as much as I loved Bubba. And Cedar loved him so much too. loss is so hard. I feel like I have lost a lot lately.
Our whole family is still dealing with losing Bubba and my dad said today that my grandpa died on monday morning. We weren't very close (he and my grandma live in Wisconsin) but i still can't believe it. It doesn't seem possible that someone could be here one minute and just gone the next. I just am thankful that I got to say "i love you" to him right before he passed, and I hope that he died knowing that he was and still is loved.
I guess I'm just scared by all of this. Mourning is a new emotion for me and I still don't really understand it. I am fine for a while and then suddenly it will just hit me, i will never pet Bubba again, I will never see Papou barbeque in the backyard again, all these things I totally took for granted have just disappeared.
and I am still mourning other losses as well, and I keep waiting for those wounds to heal, but they havent yet and it still hurts sometimes and I hate it.
sometimes i do wish that i could just be a cold person with no feeling. maybe it would be better to live without all the pain, the second guessing, the questions, the loneliness. i know that we "wouldn't feel joy if it wasn't for pain" but it seems like the pain outweighs the joy. sometimes i think i have lost everything in my life that makes me happy.
but that's not true. I have my family and they will always be there for me no matter what, they will love me regardless, unconditionally, and I need to remind myself of that every day, every moment. I guess i don't really want to be without emotion, because to me it is love that makes the world go round, that makes life worth living. it may be cheesy, but it is true, and that is something else i need to tell myself, like my pin says, "i am loved" and my heart is filled with love for others and from others, and that makes life worth living, and love makes the pain worth it.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, June 4th, 2004

Time:1:26 am.
is it possible to be nice without people taking advantage of you all the time? why do i feel like all i am is nice to everyone but then they all treat me like shit in return?
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, May 26th, 2004

Subject:inspiring story
Time:10:00 pm.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. "

The moral of this story is:

...Collapse )
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, April 15th, 2004

Subject:current statements
Time:11:58 pm.
Mood: discontent.
To everyone who is leaving comments on my previous entry asking for advice, I would like to say a few things.
1) I appreciate everyone's advice.
2) Everyone has a right to privacy. That's why I allow anonymous postings.
3) The person who left the "controversial" comment is not the same person who left the "nope, good guess tho, keep trying" comment, so please do not judge them all the same.
4) Please do not judge without knowing real circumstances and the reasons behind statements that people make. Knowing only one side of a story creates an inherent prejudice.
5) A person may act in a way that seems "cold" but that is because they have been treated coldly for too long. They shouldn't have to respond in any other way anymore.
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, April 13th, 2004

Time:4:22 pm.
I'm Young.  I Vote.  I'm NOT Voting Bush :: thePledge04.com
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

Time:12:04 am.
Mood: cranky.
So I got this forwarded email today:
I was asked to send this on if I agree or delete if I don't. What do you think about this?
It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a mess about having "In God We Trust" on our money and having God in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to Sit Down and be quiet! If you agree, pass this on, if not delete ."
oh my god this pisses me off so much!!!
1) "Why don't we just tell the 14% to Sit Down and be quiet!" Boy, what a wonderfully American attitude!!! It's not like we have freedom of speech in our constitution or anything???????
2) And another wonderfully american thing: not letting minorites have any rights!!!!! because it's only 14%, a minority, they shouldn't be able to be represented!!!
3) It pisses me off that something that middle aged white men decided on (the look of money) is now something that we all have to agree on and if we don't agree with these WASPs we should just shut up. very nice, very fair...
4) Wasn't the "under God" part of the pledge added after the rest anyways?
5) I suppose people that don't believe in God could just not say that part of the pledge, but i don't think that that is very fair either. especially since there are places where students (and staff, i imagine) are forced to say it. here are two situations to consider.
-There was a thing on the news the other day about a boy who's job it was to read the pledge over the loudspeaker thing in the morning at school. he left out the "under God" and there was a whole hullabulloo about it. That made the news!!!!!! So everyone is upset at this boy because he didn't say "under God" . Now some people might say, "well he could have just said it anyways" but that is not freedom of speech now is it? and others might say, "well then someone who doesn't have a problem with that part of the pledge should read it for the school" sounds to me like we are on a road to discriminating against people who don't believe in God!! "oh, I'm sorry, you can't be the ASB president because you don't believe in God and refuse to compromise your morals and say something that you don't agree with"
-my mom says that she doesn't know if she believes in God or not, and so she feels uncomfortable saying that part of the pledge. But she has to recite it while she is standing around with lots of students, and she feels obliged to say something that she is not comfortable with, because of the possibility of getting in trouble for not wanting to say "under God"
6) then there is the whole problem of the Pledge of Allegiance in general. what about those people who's religions or personal beliefs dont permit them to pledge allegiance to anything except for God, or nothing at all? It really bothers me that so many students are supposed to pledge allegiance to a FLAG. i mean, does that sound dumb to anyone else???
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 6th, 2004

Subject:as david said....
Time:12:22 am.
Mood: aggravated.
I am such a girl!!!! I need advice here people. So far I have had three of my good friends say that it might be a good idea for me to have sex with a friend, instead of waiting for a "real relationship". Now I'm not saying they were pressuring me to sleep with some random guy or anything, but I could see their points. Melissa said that it would be harder to have a relationship come to an end if I lost my virginity to someone that I really thought I loved and they hurt me or were just using me or something. I just don't know if I am mature enough yet to have a physical relationship with no emotional attachment. I don't think I would get really weird about it, but I am not going to pretend that I don't think I would feel anything emotional. I just don't really know. I WANT to be able to separate the physical and emotional, I guess I just need someone to convince me that the physical is enough.
I apologize for this rambling, I am half asleep.
I need to hump the hump!!!!!
Comments: Read 11 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, April 5th, 2004

Time:5:27 pm.
R.I.P. Kurt Cobain
Feb 20, 1967 - April 5, 1994
We will never forget you

p.s. weeeeeeeird ass weekend...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, April 3rd, 2004

Subject:warning: mushy nostalgia right ahead
Time:7:33 pm.
Mood: sad.
My friends who are all still so dear to me,
Aden, Alice, Andrew, Aubrey, Bryan, Gillian, Krystal, Nahzi, Sean, Tyler, Wes
I love you all so much, you have had such an impact on my life, made me who I am today. Some of you I still see, but the rest of you I miss every day. I miss our friendships and I regret that I have not worked to keep them strong. But even if we aren't friends I still will always have the memories of one of the best time in my life and of the best friends I have ever had.
Love always, Z
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, April 1st, 2004

Time:11:13 pm.
"A girl who is willing to give every ounce of herself to someone, who could never betray her lover, who never suspects maliciousness of anyone, and whose sexuality sleeps in her, waiting to be stirred."
- Shopgirl by Steve Martin
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

LiveJournal for Zoë.

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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.